DATTEBAYO!
by Roxius
Summary: Chisame has plans to get Chachamaru, but what happens when certain crack infested ideas and a perverted vampire get in the way? CRACK YURI PAIRINGS, including EvaYotsuba and MisoraChachamaru. Please R & R! ROFL.


"Dattebayo."

"Dattebayo."

"Dattebayo."

Chisame Hasegawa had never felt so unbelieveably pissed off in her entire life. Ever since Chachamaru saw an episode of _'Naruto' _on TV, all the robot girl said nowadays was the obnoxious blonde brat's anime catchphrase. Normally, this wouldn't bother Chisame so much, but the fact that she actually had FEELINGS for the blithering, mechanical Naruto-loving imbecile made it a rather large problem for her.

"Dattebayo!"

"Dattebayo!"

"Dattebayo!"

Chisame clutched her head in an effort to keep herself from screaming out in fury. Chachamaru was standing a measly five feet away from her, speaking with Konoka and Setsuna using her 'new special overly-used catchphrase'. "There's gotta be some way to get her to stop..." Chisame muttered sullenly.

"You seem to be quite upset with all this...so am I..." replied a voice. Chisame let out a shriek when she realized that Evangeline was sitting right across the table, a little smirk present on the blonde girl's face.

Chisame quickly calmed herself down and snapped, "W-What's it to you?"

Evangeline let out a chuckle. "Don't try and hide it, you little lesbian. You're in love with my robot, aren't you?" She sneered. Chisame blushed and tried to think of a quick and powerful response, but her mind went blank. She couldn't deny it; it just wouldn't be true.

"I don't really understand your tastes in women," Evangeline muttered, "But I'll help you...especially since Chachamaru's starting to get on my nerves, too..."

Chisame wasn't so easily won over, though. "How do I know that I can trust you, of all people?" she asked in a serious tone.

Evangeline cocked one eyebrow and smirked. Slowly, she began to lean over the table, her face drawing closer and closer towards Chisame's. Fumika, who was busy studying, glanced up and noticed the scene. Her eyes grew wide in surprise and curiousity as she witnessed Evangeline come so close to the bespectacled girl's face that they were almost touching.

"Trust me..." Eva purred, "If anyone knows how to deal with annoying idiots, it's me..." At this point, Chisame could see it was obvious that she should just take up the offer to protect herself from possible future pain.

Feeling rather proud of herself, Eva leaned back down in her chair and said, "Of course...I'll need payment for my services..." Chisame was afraid this would happen. Little bitches like her always wanted some kind of REWARD for doing simple good deeds.

"What do you want...?" Chisame muttered miserably.

Eva had a rather nervous look on her face, all of the sudden. "I want you...to help me become friends with Yotsuba-san..." Chisame let out a gasp when she saw how red the vampire girl's face had become as she said this.

'So...this brat likes Yotsuba, huh? Never woulda guessed...' Chisame thought as Eva covered her face in shame.

"I don't know what I find so attractive about her..." Eva explained, "But that cute chubby face and that nice plump body of hers...I want it so, so badly..."Chisame snarled and exclaimed, "That's nice you like fat girls, but can we please get back to the main problem here? YEESH!"

"Fine, fine..." Eva snarled, angry that her overly-sexualized daydream was interrupted. Suddenly, a series of cries intterupted their conversation. Standing up from her seat, Chisame's eyes opened wide when she saw that the commotion was because...

Chachamaru and Misora Kasuga were kissing. French-Kissing, actually, but that's beside the point right now. A group of girls soon surrounded them, blocking Eva's view.

Cursing under her breath, Eva muttered, "Damn, I was worried this would happen at one point...I had noticed Misora checking out Chachamaru quite a few times recently...what do you think about this Chi-"

Eva stopped talking when she realized that Chisame was gone. She glanced out the door and saw Chisame running down the hall, obviously in tears. Eva shrugged and decided to find Yotsuba on her own...

* * *

"F...fuck them! Fuck all of those stupid, goddamn, crazy idiots! Fuck them to hell!" 

Chisame didn't care who stared at her as she curled up into a ball and cried her eyes out. The girl (robot) she loved was now out of her reach and she had nothing else to live for. 'Why the hell does being gay have to hurt so much...?' she wondered sadly.

She had tried to keep a good, strong attitude, but it was all just for show. Now that Chachamaru slipped through her fingers and into the grasp of another women, the only thing Chisame had left was her education, which wasn't worth squat for her in the long run.

Hell, she was so upset by the sudden turn of events, that she even bothered going outside to lay around and mope all day like a sissy lesbian.

Suddenly, the tension was broken by a small, sweet voice. "Are you okay, Chisame-san?" Glancing up, Chisame saw (through her tear-soaked eyes) that Zazie Rainday was standing over her, looking as calm and collected as ever. However, Chisame was sure she saw a hint of worry in the strange girl's eyes.

Chisame wasn't about to let herself be bought by such a simple act, though. "I-I-It's none of your fuckin' business, bitch!" Chisame snapped, her rage over losing Chachamaru getting the best of her again. Immediately, she regretted that comment, as what she needed at this point was comfort, not bitchery.

"I...see..."

Zazie muttered this quietly as she spun around and prepared to walk away.

"WAIT! I NEED SOMEONE RIGHT N-"

Chisame grabbed onto Zazie's sleeve, hoping to get her to listen. Instead, she pulled a bit too hard, as the circus girl was spun around, crashed into Chisame, and found their lips slammed together in a powerful kiss.

When they seperated, Chisame was beet red and Zazie wasn't even affected by it in the slightest. In fact, she just licked her lips and leaned in for another kiss. Chisame didn't even bother stopping it.

Needless to say, this was how things worked out in the end:

Chachamaru became Misora's 'plaything' for a few weeks before eventually killing her, Eva seemed to have put on a bit of weight during her relationship with Yotsuba and Chisame found a new lover in odd little Zazie.

* * *

"There's too many dykes in this fic!" Negi shouted furiously as he went over the facts one more time. Glancing over at the foursome of Ayaka, Asuna, Konoka and Setsuna, he muttered, "Of course, there's alot of lesbians in reality, too..." 

"Hey, it's bound to happen in an all-girl's school filled with sex-craved lolitas, especially in a class of 32 girls with raging hormones!" Chamo exclaimed with a thumbs-up pose. He stayed in this pose until Negi showed him a picture of Chao and Ko Fei making out, which caused the ermine to faint from massive nosebleed.

"You're just lucky you're such a goddamn fuckin', pedophile-coaxing little pimp..." hissed a voice all of the sudden. Spinning around, Negi saw Mana glaring at him, her pistol aiming directly at his forehead.

Mana smirked and snarled, "GOODBYE...FUCKER."

One shot, and it was all over. Too bad all the girls were too busy fucking each other to notice their 'beloved sensei' was dead...

* * *

A/N: I hate how Negi's such a goddamn pimp. It turns all the girls into pedophiles, for crying out loud! That's the only real part I hate about the series. The only good thing about the kid is that he's nice! 

This is a kind of a crack fic, by the way. Also, I trufully like Chisame X Chachamaru more than Chisame X Zazie, due to subtext and all that. I think I'll make an actual ChisameChachamaru fic later on.


End file.
